The other day, I became discouraged at my doctor's visit. I mean, who doesn’t when someone puts limits on you? I expressed some issues I was having with my arthritis becoming more of an issue since my most recent surgery despite every effort to utilize natural remedies, prescriptions, exercise, meditation, and nutrition. I could not pinpoint what the problem was. I stay well hydrated, exercise, and participate in regular physical therapy. I have a faith-based network I meet with weekly, I pray, journal, and practice deep breathing. What is my problem? He took one look at me, and with a deep sigh said, “Your mind is young…you think and feel younger than your age is medically capable of being. I stared at him in disbelief. I was like, “Are you serious?” You mean to tell me that this is as good as it gets, and it is only going to get worse?” He said, I am not accepting my limitations and trying to push my body into doing things not only that it can’t but most likely never will be able to again due to my diseases. In total denial I just looked at him and silently disputed the comment. I went home feeling defeated, and tired. I didn’t know if I was tired from only going to the doctor, or the stress of traffic, mentally, or simply my body had just had enough that day. I feel like I just got my legs. I mean, I was in a wheelchair for a year or more on and off between scooters, cane, walkers, etc. I don’t walk with grace or anything since my hand surgeries, and recent broken hand cannot utilize a cane well…I walk more like a drunk penguin carrying a set of triplets…and balancing without a cane is like I am always walking on a tightrope swaying from one side to the next, but I am walking damn it! It is more than I can say this time last year when I was having a ceramic ball shoved in my hip along with a rod hammered into my thighbone after it was surgically severed in half…I mean I have made some progress...some serious progress! I just got my hands back too. I mean I was already on limited limb use when my knee, right ankle, right hip, hands, and arms protested any movement for nearly an entire year wearing braces most of the time to get across a room or hold an object. Enough already…I am ready to rock and roll…climb the mountains, bike the trails, paint the sixteen chapel, but this time with butterflies. It isn’t fair. I mean, our bodies can feel like a prison. This skin right now is like a straitjacket for me. I am ready to bust-a-move…but the only thing I will be busting is at the seams when I try on last year's pants. My left hip is nearly doubled in size with swelling still a year later as of September 6. I cannot sit in certain chairs that have arms or sides. It is embarrassing at times. I was so unable to use the chairs at my surgeon’s office, I had to stand in the corner leaning against a wall nearly on one ankle until someone called me back. Of course, I had a wheelchair, but sitting in it for any prolonged amount of time more than fifteen minutes would have my sciatic nerve screaming at me at Memorex levels. It has been challenging. Yet, I still celebrate the milestones. Right here and now…typing despite the recent hand surgery. The act of showering and dressing myself regardless of the painful drama of it all. Feeding myself, brushing my hair, washing a dish, holding my grandchild in my lap...... It is too easy to look at what you cannot do and become so focused on that alone, it prevents you from doing anything. Look at what I can do… Okay, so I won’t be signing up for a marathon any time soon or ever perhaps. But I can drive myself to an assisted living home and visit the shut-ins with the aid of an assistant, or a cancer ward and share the art of joy through painting. I may not be able to prepare the culinary specialties in my kitchen and feed a big crowd, but I can teach another to do it. My husband and son have learned the art of cooking. I may not be able to visit the ocean this year, but I can certainly paint one. I can change my perspective; I can change my view by simply looking at what I have in my hands now to work with. How can I utilize what is working in this skin as it is now? I realize I am operating on spare parts, but those parts are valuable. Have you ever tried to put together an item fresh out of the box with many parts? If you’re like me, it’s hard to read tiny print, or spend the time looking for the English version of instructions out of five languages and folded fifty ways. You get the items all put together to find there were parts left out. A washer, bolt, or a screw are amongst the most popular left out, and if not careful can cause a piece to collapse upon use. You find those parts are needed. So today, I will operate on spare parts that are needed and
give me the ability to function even if it is limited…without I would not be able to function at all. Today, I will look at what it is I can do, not focus on what I cannot. I will use all that God has given me to make a difference in someone else’s life, including my own by being tender and forgiving of my inabilities too. I will cherish and be grateful for the body I have and treat it with kindness by fueling it with what it nutritionally and spiritually needs. I will free up my mind from clutter and the debris of disabilities, disappointment and despair. I will embrace my aging self with grace, guilt-free of progression that is often slow, and the inability to go at warp speed. I will acknowledge this time of practicing patience in everything as growth. My spare parts do not define me, they make me determined. You may be operating on spare parts physically or metaphorically…spent with all life’s abrupt rudeness. You may feel defeated, discouraged, and disillusioned at how life turned out. I get it. Today, I challenge you right now as your reading this to sit back, close your eyes, and take in a slow deep breath through your nose, hold…six seconds, and slowly breathe out through your mouth the grief of limits, frustration, and setbacks. Take in another breath of the new day, new ideas, and a renewed mind, and read the following importance of a spare part.
Did you know that the strength of a bolt is measured by its tensile strength, which is the tension (tensile load) a bolt can withstand without suffering permanent deformation. The strongest commercial-quality bolt is grade 8. Its medium-carbon alloy steel has been quenched and tempered to achieve a tensile strength of 150,000 psi2. Do you realize how much strength that spare little 1/2” x 3 1/4” part that weighs usually no more than .26 grams has? These bolts hold bridges, walkways, cables, equipment, walls, and buildings.
Find that part in you that can withstand the tension that can be transformed into a useful mechanism for living, thriving, and functioning. It is there…somewhere buried beneath the debris. It’s time to clean the house. Locate your strength and find a way to utilize it for the good. Spare parts are important, don’t you think?
If you need help in finding your strengths, and ready to discover new ways to experience life with renewable energy and hope, contact me.
-Brenda Graff
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