Theodore Roosevelt once said, "Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care." How often have you heard the saying, "Put yourself in my shoes?". It is the exasperated attempt and desperate one-liner to get someone to simply just "Get it". Get what? Get what you're going through. It is trying to get someone to understand how you're feeling. It is someone having the ability to practice empathy.
You can't feel or fix what you don't know. Especially, if others don't feel a connection to you. It is extremely difficult to walk in another's flipflops (if you're in Texas) when you don't have empathy. Then again, it may not be yours to fix. However, empathy is an expression of love. Jesus had empathy. He wept. John 11:35-37. And he didn't always fix the situation. However, he felt deep sorrow not only for himself but those affected. Jesus was tender. His tenderness led him to heal lepers (Luke 17:13–14), to restore sight to the blind (Luke 18:38–42), to help a grieving widow (Luke 7:13) and the distressed father of a demonized son (Mark 9:22). He had compassion on the crowds (Mark 6:34). Tenderness, and empathy is a character of Christ. I believe that empathy is not something that easily develops naturally these days. Our society is suffering severely from "me syndrome". It is hard to have empathy when one's focus is solely on oneself.
It saddens me of the lack of empathy in our society. People these days... feel disconnected, lost, abandoned, unincluded, and more isolated than ever in history. I feel part of that reason started back in 2020. We all became virtual, and digital to avoid Covid. A slow death in connection began to take over. Sadly, we have experienced more crime, suicides, divorce, addiction, domestic and elderly abuse than ever. Empathy cannot be experienced or felt in disconnection. Isolation only breeds fear, anxiety, stress, and the inability to connect with others. If you cannot connect with others, you cannot feel empathy. If you cannot feel empathy, you cannot know. If you don't know, you can't fix.
Rhesus Monkeys Reared in Isolation
Harlow (1965) took babies and isolated them from birth. They had no contact with each other or anybody else. He kept some this way for three months, some for six, some for nine and some for the first year of their lives. He then put them back with other monkeys to see what effect their failure to form attachment had on behavior.
The results showed the monkeys engaged in bizarre behavior, such as clutching their own bodies and rocking compulsively. They were then placed back in the company of other monkeys. To start with the babies were scared of the other monkeys, and then became very aggressive towards them. They were also unable to communicate or socialize with other monkeys. The other monkeys bullied them. They indulged in self-mutilation, tearing hair out, scratching, and biting their own arms and legs. In addition, Harlow created a state of anxiety in female monkeys which had implications once they became parents. The extent of the abnormal behavior reflected the length of the isolation. Those kept in isolation for three months were the least affected, but those in isolation for a year never recovered from the effects of privation.
Conclusions
Studies of monkeys raised with artificial mothers suggest that mother-infant emotional bonds result primarily from mothers providing infants with comfort and tactile contact, rather than just fulfilling basic needs like food. Harlow concluded that for a monkey to develop normally s/he must have some interaction with an object to which they can cling during the first months of life (critical period). However, if maternal deprivation lasted after the end of the critical period, then no amount of exposure to mothers or peers could alter the emotional damage that had already occurred. Harlow found, therefore, that it was social deprivation rather than maternal deprivation that the young monkeys were suffering from.
When he brought some other infant monkeys up on their own, but with 20 minutes a day in a playroom with three other monkeys, he found they grew up to be quite normal emotionally and socially.
Studies have shown the effects on the human infant in similar situations in orphanages with much worse outcomes. Apparently, we need connection. God created us for connection.
1 Corinthians 3:9-11, "For we are partners working together for God, and you are God's field." How can you partner with God if you are all to yourself? How can you be empathetic if you are not connected both physically or emotionally outside of self. If we stay tucked and hidden away behind our screens most of the time, we miss out on partnering with God. And we lose the reason or mission, we are here. God didn't create us to just exist to work, pay bills, eat, sleep, rinse, and repeat. We are given instruction on empathy all throughout scripture.
The people want change, America wants change, our churches are looking for change, our educators are shouting for change. It starts with you. One person at a time. It starts with getting the know...practicing empathy and developing connection with others. These simple, yet so avoided steps could transform our society, our homes, church, and businesses in such away it would start such a love revolution. What is blocking your receptors of empathy? Do you need more connection? What steps can you take today to become empathetic? Who is your focus? Are you spending too much time on your digital devices? Here is one simple exercise you can start with. Next time you're in a waiting room, i.e. salon, doctors' office, conference room awaiting a board meeting, church pew, grocery line, etc... put your phone away, and make eye contact. Study a person's facial expression. Look for an emotion you can attach it to, and then ask... "I wonder what they are experiencing?"
Before long, you will have all kinds of scenarios begin to pop up in your thoughts. Thus, begins a connection...how do those scenarios make you feel? You begin the know, and if you pay attention long enough, might even be led to assist in some way as God prompts you. Listen for that prompting. You are not here to fix everyone or every problem in your presence, but God does call us to partner in places we may not even recognize. Pay attention, peer past your own mirror, look externally in your environment and you will gain the know and empathy.
-Brenda Graff
Wellness Life Coach
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